“Blud Brothers vs. Da Man” – Drape Variant with K.F.C.

Drape Variant: very, very real

On his latest Street-Opus, self-styled ‘Ghetto Guru’ and ‘People’s Preacher’ Danny Ford aka. Drape Variant takes us complacent white middle-class honky motherfuckers on an uncompromising tour of contemporary urban street life, exposing the raw underbelly of blah blah socially excluded blah blah loyalty and honour in the face of social deprivation blah blah blah underprivileged. Having spent a week keeping it real with his bluds, Ford wakes up to find that “due to a change in circumstances” he may no longer be eligible for housing benefit. His skin crawling with fear in a vicious come-down from a fourty-eight hour cocaine, sherry and poppers binge, Ford characteristically builds what is ostensibly a minor clerical formality –easily rectifiable through a simple appeals procedure- into an insurmountable bureaucratic horror-show. Irrationally convinced that he will be forcibly evicted from his flat by ‘Da Man’, Ford burns all of his pornography and hides under his mum’s bed.

“Midnight in the Pool of Barrymore” – Fists of Fury

Fists of Fury: solemn, wistful

Spoken word recording by a man who came back from the dead after being buggered senseless in a marathon three day cocaine orgy which resulted in him floating face down in a swimming pool, his guts pumped to bursting with a three pint cocktail of spit, piss and jism. Sprinkled with magic dust by a Spotty Man from outer space, he returns to ruminate upon the resulting tabloid frenzy of wildly hateful speculation and pernicious homophobia. Music by M People.

“I Love You But I Have Chosen a Fourteen Year-Long Reverb Chamber” – Carl Portent

Portent: wasting his time and ours

Carl Portent began work on a fourteen year-long reverb chamber in 1996. Now completed and stretching for several thousand miles, the echo chamber is capable of generating a reverb time of fourteen years. The sole song on this album details Portent’s ex-wife’s reluctance to indulge his obsession. The song itself is only thirty-two seconds long, but with reverb saturating the mix, the running time is considerably greater. Due to technical limitations (the song will take at least fourteen years to record and mix) this CD constitutes only the first hour of the finished project. Subsequent CDs will be released every hour for the next fourteen years, with a 122,640 disc boxed-set due for release in 2020. “I wanted to capture, sonically, the emptiness of a Universe without God” explained Portent, before shooting himself in the face with a crossbow.

reach for the sky: dedication's all you need

Stirring compilation of morale-boosting rock anthems designed for team building, group discipline and positive thinking exercises. Be your best with Chesney Hawkes' "I Am the One and Only" on repeat play as you endure four hours of gruelling circuit training under the supervision of a humourless ex-military fitness instructor. Survivor's 'Eye of the Tiger' is the perfect Ipod companion to your morning ritual of six raw eggs mixed with some orange juice and then jogging for fucking ages around Philadelphia or whatever. Fretwork's postive mental attitude classic "Hard (if you wanna be a winner you gotta try really really)" will get you in just the right mindset for beating the living shit out of innocent punters after drinking ten cans of Red Bull when working the door at an inner-city nightclub. Practising your menacing, officious, tightly-coiled-spring glare in front of the bedroom mirror, straightening your tie, combing what's left of your hair, fastening your bomber jacket up to your fat fucking neck and spraying half a can of Lynx into your groin, the heavily compressed guitar solo is perfectly synchronised to your every movement, and you are the hero in the movie of your life. Yeah. Fuck yeah. Destroy. Wotchoo lookin at you fackin cant? Oi. Oi! You ya cant. watchoo lookin at? come 'ere you fuckin prick.